独自走在混乱中，漫天飘雪的天空，不停的在寻找中。
和我心灵相同的，世界唯一的一个，下半辈子的依靠。
一个能使我温暖的拥抱，也有使人溶化的微笑，
喔，她的微笑。
一个能永远牵着我的手，紧握着不放一路走，
喔，跟我走。
站在狂风巨浪前，望着远方的地平线。
美丽的夕阳西下，只不过那一瞬间。
就当我要放弃时，你在我面前出现。
拉着我的手不放，一同带着我飞翔。
两人走在花丛中，阳光普照的天空，爱在两人的心中。
正坐在我身旁的，世界独一无二的，下半辈子的伴侣。
一个能使我温暖的拥抱，也有使人溶化的微笑，
喔，她的微笑。
一个能永远牵着我的手，紧握着不放一路走，
喔，跟我走。
企鹅的飞翔，我们都期待，
无条件付出，打动我心怀。
勇敢的前进，把翅膀张开，
跨出第一步，往深爱飞来。
Josh.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
~Claire’s Conclusion~
Like sun beams blinding one’s vision
Her appearance glares with radiance
Goth-painted trends spot human limp-ends
An image that invokes grave consequences
Strong-headed upon her views though demure
She emits a presence of sovereignty
Though as quiet as a meek, of royalty she reeks
Flawed porcelain face with cracks and leaks
On Claire he sets his eyes upon
Like the Gorgons on helpless peasants
Though she was not petrified
Another deep evil’s on the pry
Hypnotised, though not ostracised
By the senses of her mind
She could witness her own ritual
Of sodomy and fornication under duress
Of wretched Eve and withered leaves
An intention of angst and peeve
He robbed her of her chastity and pride
And everything that’s left inside
She was left to putrefy amongst unholy grounds
With nothing left less a breath’s worth of mortality
Claire slowly emaciated into the vaults
Diminishing into nothingness
Only her cadaver remains…
Josh.
Her appearance glares with radiance
Goth-painted trends spot human limp-ends
An image that invokes grave consequences
Strong-headed upon her views though demure
She emits a presence of sovereignty
Though as quiet as a meek, of royalty she reeks
Flawed porcelain face with cracks and leaks
On Claire he sets his eyes upon
Like the Gorgons on helpless peasants
Though she was not petrified
Another deep evil’s on the pry
Hypnotised, though not ostracised
By the senses of her mind
She could witness her own ritual
Of sodomy and fornication under duress
Of wretched Eve and withered leaves
An intention of angst and peeve
He robbed her of her chastity and pride
And everything that’s left inside
She was left to putrefy amongst unholy grounds
With nothing left less a breath’s worth of mortality
Claire slowly emaciated into the vaults
Diminishing into nothingness
Only her cadaver remains…
Josh.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
~The Hug Part 02 – The Maker’s Embrace~
Hidden behind closed doors, she twirled around the imaginary psychedelic-coloured sheets that hung from the ceiling down, dancing amongst books, boxes and paper, laid all over her grey-fur-coated carpet, albeit in a 21st century-inspired thrashed-up look. That tiny yet significant fraction of her time was semiconsciously-dedicated to her ever-refurbishing yet repulsive insanity.
Sheets of Kleenex came to waste at a rate best described, almost immediately. Fresh from the box, she flung them a-piece-at-a-time into the air, sheet following another, bracing a weak smile on her tender face. An endeavouring scene almost to the extent of being branded ‘disturbing’, it was a sight to behold.
Soothing the awkward yet revolting settings of her world, Josh Groban was on replay on her media playlist. It almost seemed as if she was till the irreversible state of being lovelorn. It was as if this scene had been directly ripped off a chick flick, at the stage where the female actress was falling hopelessly in love.
Kristine was twenty-three, with bursting youth and raging passion within. Although she was not of noble birth, she led her life as though she were royalty. Humble royalty, that is. Armed with the riches that never seem to deplete, an intellect not many could compare themselves to, and an outlook that only two heavenly words could describe. God sent.
A strong girl too, she picked herself up from a failed relationship. She had finally seen the holy light, the bright amber that guides her to spiritual enlightenment. She had made the choice, of being embraced by none but one. Herself.
Fear results in the monster in you and that fear builds up the monster. It is unleashed from within, though considered controllable by yours truly. People get carried away by putting too much in the monster, forgetting that there is no monster. The monster only lives in the reflection of your fear. The monster is nothing without the raging fear within you…
The scene reverts back to her bordoir once again, though this time without the hallucinations. The mess and thrashed-up look remains intact, though as her vision cleared up, she realised she never did dance that long a time. She lay on her carpet, though it was wet, as if soaked with a liquid substance.
She now remembered. The flying Kleenex. Though the detailed picture now materialised in her mind. The Kleenex stained with blood deemed fresh too. Laid on the corner of her space amongst the boxes and paper was an orange object. Something that now in through her eyes became all too clear. The orange penknife she used to slit her left wrist. The music gently crooning on the background, bringing back that familiar feeling she felt, though in a different setting this time.
She had finally come to this point of her life. She could now shut her eyes and rest now. And be embraced by the maker.
Josh.
Sheets of Kleenex came to waste at a rate best described, almost immediately. Fresh from the box, she flung them a-piece-at-a-time into the air, sheet following another, bracing a weak smile on her tender face. An endeavouring scene almost to the extent of being branded ‘disturbing’, it was a sight to behold.
Soothing the awkward yet revolting settings of her world, Josh Groban was on replay on her media playlist. It almost seemed as if she was till the irreversible state of being lovelorn. It was as if this scene had been directly ripped off a chick flick, at the stage where the female actress was falling hopelessly in love.
Kristine was twenty-three, with bursting youth and raging passion within. Although she was not of noble birth, she led her life as though she were royalty. Humble royalty, that is. Armed with the riches that never seem to deplete, an intellect not many could compare themselves to, and an outlook that only two heavenly words could describe. God sent.
A strong girl too, she picked herself up from a failed relationship. She had finally seen the holy light, the bright amber that guides her to spiritual enlightenment. She had made the choice, of being embraced by none but one. Herself.
Fear results in the monster in you and that fear builds up the monster. It is unleashed from within, though considered controllable by yours truly. People get carried away by putting too much in the monster, forgetting that there is no monster. The monster only lives in the reflection of your fear. The monster is nothing without the raging fear within you…
The scene reverts back to her bordoir once again, though this time without the hallucinations. The mess and thrashed-up look remains intact, though as her vision cleared up, she realised she never did dance that long a time. She lay on her carpet, though it was wet, as if soaked with a liquid substance.
She now remembered. The flying Kleenex. Though the detailed picture now materialised in her mind. The Kleenex stained with blood deemed fresh too. Laid on the corner of her space amongst the boxes and paper was an orange object. Something that now in through her eyes became all too clear. The orange penknife she used to slit her left wrist. The music gently crooning on the background, bringing back that familiar feeling she felt, though in a different setting this time.
She had finally come to this point of her life. She could now shut her eyes and rest now. And be embraced by the maker.
Josh.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
~The Hug Part 01 – Calling It Quits~
Hmmm…This hug seems weird…It seems like…nothing! I’m not feeling anything at all, how could this be? I liked him before…I mean I loved him before. How is this possible?
Ever had this feeling before? This feeling where the initial rush was rapid and enthusiastic, only to experience the quirky and disappointing feeling in the midst and aftermath. The guy was someone Kristine loved for a good long period stretching out to 5 years. Their love tested the rage and turbulence of the occasional yet intensive waves of periodical storms. And the greatest item they shared in common was held onto strongly. Their endeavouring yet recently-regarded-as-a-passé-kind of love.
And the reason of calling it quits? The guy had no longer yearned for a mildly-stale yet peaceful and everlasting relationship. What he wants this moment is to instill a short-lived stint of senseless living filled with exciting bouts of clubbing outings, booze, street car racing and, needless to say, flings.
He needed fresh blood to quench his thirst, thrust by his raging hormones. No longer satisfied with just the missionary, with the occasional doggy, he now wants more than just that. He wants to feel the adrenaline rush, the excitement, of which he wants to experience, no courtesy to his group of buddies who share their occasional escapades of lust.
He initiates a whole new set of rules that takes their normal sex routine out of the bedroom. Alfresco, handicapped toilets, backseats, reservoirs, you name it, he’s tried it. Just that things, just don’t always go his way. In fact, it never did. Kristine was strong on her personal views, that sex had be strictly in the bedroom and no where else. She just can’t bring herself to do it.
He got tired over the repeated pleas, but chose to live with it. Only till the day he joined his mates for a club outing. He got to know Cindy, which shared with him a fast-progressing relationship that led to sex a couple of hours after they met. He felt different. He felt great, as if he had unleashed the raging demon in him.
Deciding in-between having a peaceful and loving relationship and enjoying the riches of the devil’s pleasures, he chose both, like most of us would. I meant the most of the individuals, who do not bloody own a conscience.
Living in the best of both worlds, this life carried on for a short period. He reckoned that in order to live his life to the fullest, he needed to be free, from all commitment and responsibility. And he did just that, by breaking off with Kristine.
She was devastated. She cried. It was terrible a sight to witness her crying helplessly. A strong lady she was, it didn’t matter no more to her to brace up a strong front. She was frail.
It was like a formula-one race car traveling at a high speed towards a Y-junction. The driver, experiencing problems with his steering, leapt out of the car to land onto the right lane of the road, while the vehicle just sped off on the left. Kristine was the driver, and he, the vehicle.
He was the vehicle, speeding off without a driver in the seat, traveling aimlessly without direction and destination, and would only know when to stop when a bad crash occurs. And she, the driver who rolled over the rough surface of tar, crying out in anguish and pain. She was in a bad shape, as if she had received the utmost chalice of agony.
As time passed, she learnt to pick herself up along that familiar and lonely stretch of road. She started heading towards the left lane, a step at a time, enduring the pain and tears. The journey was difficult, having to fight back both physical and psychological damage inflicted onto her. But she prevailed.
From getting herself onto her both feet, to enduring the ‘death’ walk to the hospital, she had proved a strong girl she was. Very quickly, she nursed her wounds to recovery. It was speedy and Kristine had recovered fully. In fact, she had never felt better than before.
Now, Kristine had learnt to be independent. She needed no one to turn to, to hold and say she loves him. She became stronger, and I was delighted at this fact. Although there was the occasional drive-by of her old vehicle, she handled it well. And she was strong enough not to take it for another drive. Not that she was afraid of another crash-out, just that she had learnt to walk with both her legs. Although walking could not take her far, at least she knows a fact.
The fact that she was in total control of herself. And I love her for that.
Josh.
Ever had this feeling before? This feeling where the initial rush was rapid and enthusiastic, only to experience the quirky and disappointing feeling in the midst and aftermath. The guy was someone Kristine loved for a good long period stretching out to 5 years. Their love tested the rage and turbulence of the occasional yet intensive waves of periodical storms. And the greatest item they shared in common was held onto strongly. Their endeavouring yet recently-regarded-as-a-passé-kind of love.
And the reason of calling it quits? The guy had no longer yearned for a mildly-stale yet peaceful and everlasting relationship. What he wants this moment is to instill a short-lived stint of senseless living filled with exciting bouts of clubbing outings, booze, street car racing and, needless to say, flings.
He needed fresh blood to quench his thirst, thrust by his raging hormones. No longer satisfied with just the missionary, with the occasional doggy, he now wants more than just that. He wants to feel the adrenaline rush, the excitement, of which he wants to experience, no courtesy to his group of buddies who share their occasional escapades of lust.
He initiates a whole new set of rules that takes their normal sex routine out of the bedroom. Alfresco, handicapped toilets, backseats, reservoirs, you name it, he’s tried it. Just that things, just don’t always go his way. In fact, it never did. Kristine was strong on her personal views, that sex had be strictly in the bedroom and no where else. She just can’t bring herself to do it.
He got tired over the repeated pleas, but chose to live with it. Only till the day he joined his mates for a club outing. He got to know Cindy, which shared with him a fast-progressing relationship that led to sex a couple of hours after they met. He felt different. He felt great, as if he had unleashed the raging demon in him.
Deciding in-between having a peaceful and loving relationship and enjoying the riches of the devil’s pleasures, he chose both, like most of us would. I meant the most of the individuals, who do not bloody own a conscience.
Living in the best of both worlds, this life carried on for a short period. He reckoned that in order to live his life to the fullest, he needed to be free, from all commitment and responsibility. And he did just that, by breaking off with Kristine.
She was devastated. She cried. It was terrible a sight to witness her crying helplessly. A strong lady she was, it didn’t matter no more to her to brace up a strong front. She was frail.It was like a formula-one race car traveling at a high speed towards a Y-junction. The driver, experiencing problems with his steering, leapt out of the car to land onto the right lane of the road, while the vehicle just sped off on the left. Kristine was the driver, and he, the vehicle.
He was the vehicle, speeding off without a driver in the seat, traveling aimlessly without direction and destination, and would only know when to stop when a bad crash occurs. And she, the driver who rolled over the rough surface of tar, crying out in anguish and pain. She was in a bad shape, as if she had received the utmost chalice of agony.
As time passed, she learnt to pick herself up along that familiar and lonely stretch of road. She started heading towards the left lane, a step at a time, enduring the pain and tears. The journey was difficult, having to fight back both physical and psychological damage inflicted onto her. But she prevailed.
From getting herself onto her both feet, to enduring the ‘death’ walk to the hospital, she had proved a strong girl she was. Very quickly, she nursed her wounds to recovery. It was speedy and Kristine had recovered fully. In fact, she had never felt better than before.
Now, Kristine had learnt to be independent. She needed no one to turn to, to hold and say she loves him. She became stronger, and I was delighted at this fact. Although there was the occasional drive-by of her old vehicle, she handled it well. And she was strong enough not to take it for another drive. Not that she was afraid of another crash-out, just that she had learnt to walk with both her legs. Although walking could not take her far, at least she knows a fact.
The fact that she was in total control of herself. And I love her for that.
Josh.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
~Stress + Pressure = Memory Loss~
I was browsing though a set of local papers when I stumbled upon this interesting article in the medical section. It was actually proving the point that when you are stressed, it somewhat affects your memory.
According to a US study, stress activates an enzyme in the brain, which interferes with short-term memory and other functions of the pre-frontal cortex, which is located just above the eyes, in rats and monkeys.This enzyme, known as Protein Kinase C (PKC), is also implicated in bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It is said that the first sign of psychological problems becomes evident during major, stressful changes in lifestyle, such as when a young person leaves home for studies abroad.
By acting on the pre-frontal cortex, PKC could be a factor in distractibility, impaired judgement, impulsivity and thought disorder, all of which have been tied to this brain region. Stated above would at least give some rational understanding of what is causing these irrational disorders.
Also, it is a breakthrough in understanding the causes of some kinds of mental illnesses.Recent researches had found high PKC activity among people with mental disorders. Similar stress levels are found in humans when confronted with a loud noise or just before an exam.
These new findings may also help us understand the impulsivity and distractibility observed in children with lead poisoning. Very low levels of lead can activate PKC, and this may lead to impaired regulation of behaviour.It doesn’t have to be traumatic, as long as you feel out of control. Control is the essential factor, if you are confident, you don’t have these problems.
Meaning to say that if I am confident in any and everything I do, I wouldn’t have to encounter an activation of PKC within me, which in turn affects my memory!
According to a US study, stress activates an enzyme in the brain, which interferes with short-term memory and other functions of the pre-frontal cortex, which is located just above the eyes, in rats and monkeys.This enzyme, known as Protein Kinase C (PKC), is also implicated in bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It is said that the first sign of psychological problems becomes evident during major, stressful changes in lifestyle, such as when a young person leaves home for studies abroad.
By acting on the pre-frontal cortex, PKC could be a factor in distractibility, impaired judgement, impulsivity and thought disorder, all of which have been tied to this brain region. Stated above would at least give some rational understanding of what is causing these irrational disorders.
Also, it is a breakthrough in understanding the causes of some kinds of mental illnesses.Recent researches had found high PKC activity among people with mental disorders. Similar stress levels are found in humans when confronted with a loud noise or just before an exam.
These new findings may also help us understand the impulsivity and distractibility observed in children with lead poisoning. Very low levels of lead can activate PKC, and this may lead to impaired regulation of behaviour.It doesn’t have to be traumatic, as long as you feel out of control. Control is the essential factor, if you are confident, you don’t have these problems.
Meaning to say that if I am confident in any and everything I do, I wouldn’t have to encounter an activation of PKC within me, which in turn affects my memory!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
~Succumbing Yet Again To Love @ First Sight, but Suffering From the Aftermath~
Are you a victim of the ever-succumbing yet teasing temptations of love? Not just love though, but love tagged along with a condition of pure naivety. A metaphor commonly expressed through the actions of Cupid, or a state of mind Casanova often was in, having given him the utmost benefit of doubt. It is not just a mere affiliation of great love, but even greater is its celestial attributes that contribute to one of the world’s most bizarre yet extraordinarily-heart-warming kind of love. It is the wondrous innocence of love, with it happening at first sight.
Well, not exactly first sight though… She was an ex-classmate of mine for 3 years during secondary school. Strangely, throughout the 3 years, we barely spoke to each other. On a rough scale for the reader’s sake, say…less than 10 complete sentences all put together? Just about there I reckon…
I didn’t have much MSN contacts back then as my desktop was pretty screwed up. So after I axed the old bugger and upgraded to a more competent one, my virtual-electronic alter-ego began to flourish. My good pal Waully then sent me a whole load of MSN contacts after my whinny complains of having too little contacts online. He began offloading e-mails to me in bulks, having me sent acknowledgement requests without knowing who’s who. In no time, my MSN was filled with contacts of various foreign names I did not know of. It was only when they logged on and being crossed-verified by me, then would I come to know this contact of mine: ~{Missy Venus}~ on MSN was actually a guy…Well, a partial guy too sissy to function though. He’s gay.
It had been a month since I last gotten the contacts from dude Waully. Most contacts had been verified by me personally, less a few insignificant others who either just totally missed my logging on timing, or that they just have a contact for the sake of having one. God-damned posers.
Then, on that faithful day, one of those god-damned posers logged on. Finally I say, although she needed no introduction or verification. She had her actual name flashed as her virtual being.
A harmless approach from yours truly, turned out to a flourishing conversation, much of it about the past and what’s been going on in each other’s lives since the day we parted after collecting our GCE ‘O’ Levels Certificate. Slowly, the progression makes way from MSN to SMS, then to VCN… Verbal Communication’s Net.
As usual, all potential couples would undergo a phase where they feel their partners have certain similarities as compared to themselves. It’s not what you actually think, that your partner’s god-send, the both of you a perfect pair heavenly matched. It’s just a human deficiency, to actually self-deceive oneself, which in turn elevates that moment of seemly-love. Ah, the wonders of the heavenly beings I say.
Through progressive VCN, I initiated the first movie date, on a Friday dated 10/02/06. We had simple fare at a nearby food place before heading to catch a blockbuster entitled: “Casanova” I enjoyed it, though it seemed my date was rather disillusioned, somewhat caught up in her own world. I credited her behavior to the fact that she was a Chinese teacher, and was very accustomed to the Mandarin culture, hence thus.
Other than the language issue, all went pretty well. And as I left her in the MRT, it had struck me that I had taken a liking for this girl. Three words to describe this girl? Demure, bluntly-polite and spitefully-loveable. I’m falling…
Fast-forward to the second date, where we met up on a Monday morning of 13/02/06 to the zoo. My best-est sister, Su-Anne told me something:” Hey Josh, she likes you! I can tell, if not why would she agree to go on a zoo-outing with you? A girl does not just to the zoo with just any guy, you know?”
I was glad to hear that, I mean, who wouldn’t? I met her down at my place, as she drove and I didn’t. We headed to the zoo, where we had quite a fair share of fun. Then after 3 hours of walking around, we conquered the zoo and settled for a pizza place off the entrance for lunch.
After which, we headed down to Orchard, where I did some grocery shopping, and after that, went to catch another blockbuster: ’The Constant Gardener’. Yet again, it was not her type of show, but neither was it mine. We chatted a little in the cinema. Well, a little really meant a little.
Once more, we fast forward to the morning dated 15/02/06, where I offered to accompany her to send her sister to school, while we wait for her to knock off in an hour and a half later. Time well spent, I say. We had breakfast, then we did our own work till her sister came. But of course, it the midst, we shared that slight moment of affection. I had really fallen…
And now, I am leaving the country in less than 24 hours time. I am suffering. I am but frail. Who is to blame? God? Did He ever appear in any of the scenes in the first place? Well, perhaps he was blooming in some of the backdrops I was sharing with her. Oh well, still the blame shall be weighed on my shoulders. I hurt her…I reckon…
Josh.
Well, not exactly first sight though… She was an ex-classmate of mine for 3 years during secondary school. Strangely, throughout the 3 years, we barely spoke to each other. On a rough scale for the reader’s sake, say…less than 10 complete sentences all put together? Just about there I reckon…
I didn’t have much MSN contacts back then as my desktop was pretty screwed up. So after I axed the old bugger and upgraded to a more competent one, my virtual-electronic alter-ego began to flourish. My good pal Waully then sent me a whole load of MSN contacts after my whinny complains of having too little contacts online. He began offloading e-mails to me in bulks, having me sent acknowledgement requests without knowing who’s who. In no time, my MSN was filled with contacts of various foreign names I did not know of. It was only when they logged on and being crossed-verified by me, then would I come to know this contact of mine: ~{Missy Venus}~ on MSN was actually a guy…Well, a partial guy too sissy to function though. He’s gay.
It had been a month since I last gotten the contacts from dude Waully. Most contacts had been verified by me personally, less a few insignificant others who either just totally missed my logging on timing, or that they just have a contact for the sake of having one. God-damned posers.
Then, on that faithful day, one of those god-damned posers logged on. Finally I say, although she needed no introduction or verification. She had her actual name flashed as her virtual being.
A harmless approach from yours truly, turned out to a flourishing conversation, much of it about the past and what’s been going on in each other’s lives since the day we parted after collecting our GCE ‘O’ Levels Certificate. Slowly, the progression makes way from MSN to SMS, then to VCN… Verbal Communication’s Net.
As usual, all potential couples would undergo a phase where they feel their partners have certain similarities as compared to themselves. It’s not what you actually think, that your partner’s god-send, the both of you a perfect pair heavenly matched. It’s just a human deficiency, to actually self-deceive oneself, which in turn elevates that moment of seemly-love. Ah, the wonders of the heavenly beings I say.
Through progressive VCN, I initiated the first movie date, on a Friday dated 10/02/06. We had simple fare at a nearby food place before heading to catch a blockbuster entitled: “Casanova” I enjoyed it, though it seemed my date was rather disillusioned, somewhat caught up in her own world. I credited her behavior to the fact that she was a Chinese teacher, and was very accustomed to the Mandarin culture, hence thus.
Other than the language issue, all went pretty well. And as I left her in the MRT, it had struck me that I had taken a liking for this girl. Three words to describe this girl? Demure, bluntly-polite and spitefully-loveable. I’m falling…
Fast-forward to the second date, where we met up on a Monday morning of 13/02/06 to the zoo. My best-est sister, Su-Anne told me something:” Hey Josh, she likes you! I can tell, if not why would she agree to go on a zoo-outing with you? A girl does not just to the zoo with just any guy, you know?”
I was glad to hear that, I mean, who wouldn’t? I met her down at my place, as she drove and I didn’t. We headed to the zoo, where we had quite a fair share of fun. Then after 3 hours of walking around, we conquered the zoo and settled for a pizza place off the entrance for lunch.
After which, we headed down to Orchard, where I did some grocery shopping, and after that, went to catch another blockbuster: ’The Constant Gardener’. Yet again, it was not her type of show, but neither was it mine. We chatted a little in the cinema. Well, a little really meant a little.
Once more, we fast forward to the morning dated 15/02/06, where I offered to accompany her to send her sister to school, while we wait for her to knock off in an hour and a half later. Time well spent, I say. We had breakfast, then we did our own work till her sister came. But of course, it the midst, we shared that slight moment of affection. I had really fallen…
And now, I am leaving the country in less than 24 hours time. I am suffering. I am but frail. Who is to blame? God? Did He ever appear in any of the scenes in the first place? Well, perhaps he was blooming in some of the backdrops I was sharing with her. Oh well, still the blame shall be weighed on my shoulders. I hurt her…I reckon…
Josh.
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