Memoirs...

~企鹅的飞翔~

2006-10-14T20:53:00.000+08:00

独自走在混乱中，漫天飘雪的天空，不停的在寻找中。
和我心灵相同的，世界唯一的一个，下半辈子的依靠。

一个能使我温暖的拥抱，也有使人溶化的微笑，
喔，她的微笑。
一个能永远牵着我的手，紧握着不放一路走，
喔，跟我走。

站在狂风巨浪前，望着远方的地平线。
美丽的夕阳西下，只不过那一瞬间。
就当我要放弃时，你在我面前出现。
拉着我的手不放，一同带着我飞翔。

两人走在花丛中，阳光普照的天空，爱在两人的心中。
正坐在我身旁的，世界独一无二的，下半辈子的伴侣。

一个能使我温暖的拥抱，也有使人溶化的微笑，
喔，她的微笑。
一个能永远牵着我的手，紧握着不放一路走，
喔，跟我走。

企鹅的飞翔，我们都期待，
无条件付出，打动我心怀。
勇敢的前进，把翅膀张开，
跨出第一步，往深爱飞来。

Josh.

~Claire’s Conclusion~

2006-07-31T23:30:00.000+08:00

Like sun beams blinding one’s vision
Her appearance glares with radiance
Goth-painted trends spot human limp-ends
An image that invokes grave consequences

Strong-headed upon her views though demure
She emits a presence of sovereignty
Though as quiet as a meek, of royalty she reeks
Flawed porcelain face with cracks and leaks

On Claire he sets his eyes upon
Like the Gorgons on helpless peasants
Though she was not petrified
Another deep evil’s on the pry

Hypnotised, though not ostracised
By the senses of her mind
She could witness her own ritual
Of sodomy and fornication under duress

Of wretched Eve and withered leaves
An intention of angst and peeve
He robbed her of her chastity and pride
And everything that’s left inside

She was left to putrefy amongst unholy grounds
With nothing left less a breath’s worth of mortality
Claire slowly emaciated into the vaults
Diminishing into nothingness

Only her cadaver remains…

Josh.

~The Hug Part 02 – The Maker’s Embrace~

2006-04-25T13:10:00.000+08:00

Hidden behind closed doors, she twirled around the imaginary psychedelic-coloured sheets that hung from the ceiling down, dancing amongst books, boxes and paper, laid all over her grey-fur-coated carpet, albeit in a 21st century-inspired thrashed-up look. That tiny yet significant fraction of her time was semiconsciously-dedicated to her ever-refurbishing yet repulsive insanity.

Sheets of Kleenex came to waste at a rate best described, almost immediately. Fresh from the box, she flung them a-piece-at-a-time into the air, sheet following another, bracing a weak smile on her tender face. An endeavouring scene almost to the extent of being branded ‘disturbing’, it was a sight to behold.

Soothing the awkward yet revolting settings of her world, Josh Groban was on replay on her media playlist. It almost seemed as if she was till the irreversible state of being lovelorn. It was as if this scene had been directly ripped off a chick flick, at the stage where the female actress was falling hopelessly in love.

Kristine was twenty-three, with bursting youth and raging passion within. Although she was not of noble birth, she led her life as though she were royalty. Humble royalty, that is. Armed with the riches that never seem to deplete, an intellect not many could compare themselves to, and an outlook that only two heavenly words could describe. God sent.

A strong girl too, she picked herself up from a failed relationship. She had finally seen the holy light, the bright amber that guides her to spiritual enlightenment. She had made the choice, of being embraced by none but one. Herself.

Fear results in the monster in you and that fear builds up the monster. It is unleashed from within, though considered controllable by yours truly. People get carried away by putting too much in the monster, forgetting that there is no monster. The monster only lives in the reflection of your fear. The monster is nothing without the raging fear within you…

The scene reverts back to her bordoir once again, though this time without the hallucinations. The mess and thrashed-up look remains intact, though as her vision cleared up, she realised she never did dance that long a time. She lay on her carpet, though it was wet, as if soaked with a liquid substance.

She now remembered. The flying Kleenex. Though the detailed picture now materialised in her mind. The Kleenex stained with blood deemed fresh too. Laid on the corner of her space amongst the boxes and paper was an orange object. Something that now in through her eyes became all too clear. The orange penknife she used to slit her left wrist. The music gently crooning on the background, bringing back that familiar feeling she felt, though in a different setting this time.

She had finally come to this point of her life. She could now shut her eyes and rest now. And be embraced by the maker.

Josh.

~The Hug Part 01 – Calling It Quits~

2006-04-01T22:46:00.000+08:00

Hmmm…This hug seems weird…It seems like…nothing! I’m not feeling anything at all, how could this be? I liked him before…I mean I loved him before. How is this possible?

Ever had this feeling before? This feeling where the initial rush was rapid and enthusiastic, only to experience the quirky and disappointing feeling in the midst and aftermath. The guy was someone Kristine loved for a good long period stretching out to 5 years. Their love tested the rage and turbulence of the occasional yet intensive waves of periodical storms. And the greatest item they shared in common was held onto strongly. Their endeavouring yet recently-regarded-as-a-passé-kind of love.

And the reason of calling it quits? The guy had no longer yearned for a mildly-stale yet peaceful and everlasting relationship. What he wants this moment is to instill a short-lived stint of senseless living filled with exciting bouts of clubbing outings, booze, street car racing and, needless to say, flings.

He needed fresh blood to quench his thirst, thrust by his raging hormones. No longer satisfied with just the missionary, with the occasional doggy, he now wants more than just that. He wants to feel the adrenaline rush, the excitement, of which he wants to experience, no courtesy to his group of buddies who share their occasional escapades of lust.

He initiates a whole new set of rules that takes their normal sex routine out of the bedroom. Alfresco, handicapped toilets, backseats, reservoirs, you name it, he’s tried it. Just that things, just don’t always go his way. In fact, it never did. Kristine was strong on her personal views, that sex had be strictly in the bedroom and no where else. She just can’t bring herself to do it.

He got tired over the repeated pleas, but chose to live with it. Only till the day he joined his mates for a club outing. He got to know Cindy, which shared with him a fast-progressing relationship that led to sex a couple of hours after they met. He felt different. He felt great, as if he had unleashed the raging demon in him.

Deciding in-between having a peaceful and loving relationship and enjoying the riches of the devil’s pleasures, he chose both, like most of us would. I meant the most of the individuals, who do not bloody own a conscience.

Living in the best of both worlds, this life carried on for a short period. He reckoned that in order to live his life to the fullest, he needed to be free, from all commitment and responsibility. And he did just that, by breaking off with Kristine.

She was devastated. She cried. It was terrible a sight to witness her crying helplessly. A strong lady she was, it didn’t matter no more to her to brace up a strong front. She was frail.

It was like a formula-one race car traveling at a high speed towards a Y-junction. The driver, experiencing problems with his steering, leapt out of the car to land onto the right lane of the road, while the vehicle just sped off on the left. Kristine was the driver, and he, the vehicle.

He was the vehicle, speeding off without a driver in the seat, traveling aimlessly without direction and destination, and would only know when to stop when a bad crash occurs. And she, the driver who rolled over the rough surface of tar, crying out in anguish and pain. She was in a bad shape, as if she had received the utmost chalice of agony.

As time passed, she learnt to pick herself up along that familiar and lonely stretch of road. She started heading towards the left lane, a step at a time, enduring the pain and tears. The journey was difficult, having to fight back both physical and psychological damage inflicted onto her. But she prevailed.

From getting herself onto her both feet, to enduring the ‘death’ walk to the hospital, she had proved a strong girl she was. Very quickly, she nursed her wounds to recovery. It was speedy and Kristine had recovered fully. In fact, she had never felt better than before.

Now, Kristine had learnt to be independent. She needed no one to turn to, to hold and say she loves him. She became stronger, and I was delighted at this fact. Although there was the occasional drive-by of her old vehicle, she handled it well. And she was strong enough not to take it for another drive. Not that she was afraid of another crash-out, just that she had learnt to walk with both her legs. Although walking could not take her far, at least she knows a fact.

The fact that she was in total control of herself. And I love her for that.

Josh.

~Stress + Pressure = Memory Loss~

2006-03-15T14:20:00.000+08:00

I was browsing though a set of local papers when I stumbled upon this interesting article in the medical section. It was actually proving the point that when you are stressed, it somewhat affects your memory.

According to a US study, stress activates an enzyme in the brain, which interferes with short-term memory and other functions of the pre-frontal cortex, which is located just above the eyes, in rats and monkeys.This enzyme, known as Protein Kinase C (PKC), is also implicated in bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It is said that the first sign of psychological problems becomes evident during major, stressful changes in lifestyle, such as when a young person leaves home for studies abroad.

By acting on the pre-frontal cortex, PKC could be a factor in distractibility, impaired judgement, impulsivity and thought disorder, all of which have been tied to this brain region. Stated above would at least give some rational understanding of what is causing these irrational disorders.

Also, it is a breakthrough in understanding the causes of some kinds of mental illnesses.Recent researches had found high PKC activity among people with mental disorders. Similar stress levels are found in humans when confronted with a loud noise or just before an exam.

These new findings may also help us understand the impulsivity and distractibility observed in children with lead poisoning. Very low levels of lead can activate PKC, and this may lead to impaired regulation of behaviour.It doesn’t have to be traumatic, as long as you feel out of control. Control is the essential factor, if you are confident, you don’t have these problems.

Meaning to say that if I am confident in any and everything I do, I wouldn’t have to encounter an activation of PKC within me, which in turn affects my memory!

~Succumbing Yet Again To Love @ First Sight, but Suffering From the Aftermath~

2006-02-16T01:04:00.000+08:00

Are you a victim of the ever-succumbing yet teasing temptations of love? Not just love though, but love tagged along with a condition of pure naivety. A metaphor commonly expressed through the actions of Cupid, or a state of mind Casanova often was in, having given him the utmost benefit of doubt. It is not just a mere affiliation of great love, but even greater is its celestial attributes that contribute to one of the world’s most bizarre yet extraordinarily-heart-warming kind of love. It is the wondrous innocence of love, with it happening at first sight.

Well, not exactly first sight though… She was an ex-classmate of mine for 3 years during secondary school. Strangely, throughout the 3 years, we barely spoke to each other. On a rough scale for the reader’s sake, say…less than 10 complete sentences all put together? Just about there I reckon…

I didn’t have much MSN contacts back then as my desktop was pretty screwed up. So after I axed the old bugger and upgraded to a more competent one, my virtual-electronic alter-ego began to flourish. My good pal Waully then sent me a whole load of MSN contacts after my whinny complains of having too little contacts online. He began offloading e-mails to me in bulks, having me sent acknowledgement requests without knowing who’s who. In no time, my MSN was filled with contacts of various foreign names I did not know of. It was only when they logged on and being crossed-verified by me, then would I come to know this contact of mine: ~{Missy Venus}~ on MSN was actually a guy…Well, a partial guy too sissy to function though. He’s gay.

It had been a month since I last gotten the contacts from dude Waully. Most contacts had been verified by me personally, less a few insignificant others who either just totally missed my logging on timing, or that they just have a contact for the sake of having one. God-damned posers.

Then, on that faithful day, one of those god-damned posers logged on. Finally I say, although she needed no introduction or verification. She had her actual name flashed as her virtual being.

A harmless approach from yours truly, turned out to a flourishing conversation, much of it about the past and what’s been going on in each other’s lives since the day we parted after collecting our GCE ‘O’ Levels Certificate. Slowly, the progression makes way from MSN to SMS, then to VCN… Verbal Communication’s Net.

As usual, all potential couples would undergo a phase where they feel their partners have certain similarities as compared to themselves. It’s not what you actually think, that your partner’s god-send, the both of you a perfect pair heavenly matched. It’s just a human deficiency, to actually self-deceive oneself, which in turn elevates that moment of seemly-love. Ah, the wonders of the heavenly beings I say.

Through progressive VCN, I initiated the first movie date, on a Friday dated 10/02/06. We had simple fare at a nearby food place before heading to catch a blockbuster entitled: “Casanova” I enjoyed it, though it seemed my date was rather disillusioned, somewhat caught up in her own world. I credited her behavior to the fact that she was a Chinese teacher, and was very accustomed to the Mandarin culture, hence thus.

Other than the language issue, all went pretty well. And as I left her in the MRT, it had struck me that I had taken a liking for this girl. Three words to describe this girl? Demure, bluntly-polite and spitefully-loveable. I’m falling…

Fast-forward to the second date, where we met up on a Monday morning of 13/02/06 to the zoo. My best-est sister, Su-Anne told me something:” Hey Josh, she likes you! I can tell, if not why would she agree to go on a zoo-outing with you? A girl does not just to the zoo with just any guy, you know?”

I was glad to hear that, I mean, who wouldn’t? I met her down at my place, as she drove and I didn’t. We headed to the zoo, where we had quite a fair share of fun. Then after 3 hours of walking around, we conquered the zoo and settled for a pizza place off the entrance for lunch.

After which, we headed down to Orchard, where I did some grocery shopping, and after that, went to catch another blockbuster: ’The Constant Gardener’. Yet again, it was not her type of show, but neither was it mine. We chatted a little in the cinema. Well, a little really meant a little.

Once more, we fast forward to the morning dated 15/02/06, where I offered to accompany her to send her sister to school, while we wait for her to knock off in an hour and a half later. Time well spent, I say. We had breakfast, then we did our own work till her sister came. But of course, it the midst, we shared that slight moment of affection. I had really fallen…

And now, I am leaving the country in less than 24 hours time. I am suffering. I am but frail. Who is to blame? God? Did He ever appear in any of the scenes in the first place? Well, perhaps he was blooming in some of the backdrops I was sharing with her. Oh well, still the blame shall be weighed on my shoulders. I hurt her…I reckon…

Josh.

~Baby Crazie~

2005-12-29T11:22:00.000+08:00

Don't you just wished your kids would look good in the future? Don't you just hope your baby will turn out just fine and cool? So which of the following's your favourite toddler?
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" I'm a cute little frarwer, amidst the floating greens"

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Baby 1 - "Whatcha lookin' at bloody Veg-Head?!"

Baby 2 - "Veg-Head callin' who man..."

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"Daddy once told me:'You've got to be cool like your Paps son...' And yes did I heed the old man's words"

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"Mess with me & I'll swear I'll kick your ass so bad, you're gonna cry mommy when you crap balls...!"

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"Oh my God.....Wtf........"

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"Oh man...not another drop @ the f--king index again?!! GDI!!"

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Baby 1 - "Oh damn...I'm bloody wasted man..."

Baby 2 - " Yeah....so f--king stoned...."

Baby 3 - "Hey, there's still somemore beer in the fridge you know..."

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"I'm laid...on a bed...of teddies...~"

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"Stop treating me like a freak! Forcing me to cry, just to see me blow bubbles with my nose will ya?!"

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"Kuar-Simi-Lan-Look in a much more friendly note."

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The picture bubble tells it all~

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~Mixed Tape [Music Reviews]~

2005-12-04T16:38:00.000+08:00

Don in red, the man sits alone in silence & despair
On his tilted chair of woes, none other seat can compare
Of annihilation & misanthropy, he knows best
Driven by desperation, he staged the cataclysm & wiped out the rest...

Josh.

Feeling depressed, angry, lost or out of love? Listed below are 10 metals songs of pure novelty and utmost expressions of our most commonly felt emotions, namely sadness, anger, hate, and dejection from love. Enjoy...

01. Arch Enemy – Skeleton Dance

An introduction of a single wailing guitar lead paints a scenario outback in the deserts of despair, trekking along a lonesome path in-between the essence of life & death. Wedged in the middle of already being dead yet the soul remains un-dissipated, it somewhat brings comfort to the listener…Comfort being the fact that you’re not the worse victim of whatsoever on Earth itself.

02. Children of Bodom – Thrashed, Lost & Strung Out

Not losing its Scandinavian flavour of classical-meets-folklore riffs, C.O.B. has added to their winning recipe innovation & variations. With their verse chords tuning towards US-like rhythmic-head-banging riffs, it releases a kick-ass vibe with a touch of melodic-novelty.

03. Cradle of Filth – Coffin Fodder

Forever haunting me/Slit the witch and watch him bleed/As with any inquisition/Lying from the start/The preachers piled their craft/Scoffing elder glories/& dying, I depart/To make their sunken hearts/A coffin for their stories
Exquisitely written poetry tagged with goth-melancholy melodies, it hardly goes wrong with the standard chords of metal. Highly technical yet without losing its gothic touch, this evil track has deception, condemnation & annihilation written all over.

04. Derek Sherinian – Sweet Lament

It’s the pure contradiction that catches the attention of many, both eminent within the title & the song itself, but the real deal lies in the detailed expressions of the instruments all put together to produce a heart-felt & overwhelmingly-emo-lish instrumental piece. Best listened-to when you’re really lost & out of love, because that’s one of the highest-attained levels of grieve; the nirvana of devastation where the feelings of this track is best absorbed. A sigh of sweet lament, they murmured…

05. Dimmu Borgir – Cataclysm Children

An image of a pre-catastrophic-event slowly materialises within, rows and rows of soldiers stand at attention, listening in unison to their leader’s valediction to their foes. Upstaging a revolution in pains of their suffering, it grasps you of your hatred within and allows it to slowly dissipate.

06. Funeral for a Friend – Bend Your Arms to Look like Wings

Put furious growls alongside vulnerable shouts of help, with a melodically-collaborated music piece blaring on the background, you’ll get a classic hit of anger-meets-helplessness. It subtly toys with the two most encountered human feelings of being pissed and being depressed, unleashing the omnipotence of your innermost misanthropy.

07. Kamelot – Forever

I belong to you, you belong to me. It's the way things are always meant to be. Forevermore lovers will part, never to reconcile lest death. A painful yet beautifully written track, its words carry much despair and portraits an eminent presence of sorrow within the heart.

08. Nightrage – The Glow of the Setting Sun

Subtle beginning with fading-in metallic riffs, following an abundance of hatred all channeled through various instruments, this track best suits an oriental backdrop of ninjas and samurais. Posing with a katana in his hands, the zephyr blowing strands of hair across his masked face, Nabeikanina the Ninja adopts his ready-to-strike stance up against his seemly-worthy opponent, Sakimura the Samurai. Armed with his twin blades, Sakimura charges against Nabeikanina, only to be knocked out by the swift and nibble Ninja, by a spell of Ninjitsu, his infamous disappearance act. Bloody cheat!

09. Old Man’s Child – What Malice Embrace

Of pagans and prosperity, heathens and joyous occasions of evil, the lurking evil embraces us, children of the night, sons and daughters of this malicious world. Sensing the welding power of anti-whatever religion, the innocence of evil is strongly broadcasted in this track, with devil-lish riffs and a sorrowful guitar solo by the one-man-army himself, Tom Rune Andersen.

10. Stratovarius – Forever

Sounds of the violin, flute and the acoustic guitar altogether builds up a track of immense pain. Of joyous memories of the past to the now-present of hurtful wounds being present, this track of sheer novelty brings out the tears of the sorrowful and cuts deep into the hearts of many.

I stand alone in the darkness; the winter of my life came so fast…

Josh.

~Committing Incest – Cousins Considered Suitable Contenders?~

2005-11-18T02:14:00.000+08:00

Incest – Sexual intercourse between two people who are so closely related that they cannot marry each other.

That’s how the New Oxford School Dictionary describes the noun as.

Notice there’s somewhat a grey area shaded over the above sentence. What does the compiler imply by being closely related, close to a point that they cannot marry one another? We all gladly embrace the fact that incest is being sexually caught up with someone in the 1st comfort zone, like for example mom and son relationship, or brother and sister relationship, or sister and sister…the erotic list just goes on.

Here’s the next thing, what about cousins then? 2 categories of cousins as listed;

1. Ever tight cousins
2. Clichéd distant cousins
3. Bloodline related cousins yet distant

I presume most people would accept the 1st pair of cousins being branded an incestuous couple if they really had committed such an immoral act against the will of God. But to the 2nd category, they are relatives whom they had not seen each other for donkey years.

Offset springs out a scenario whereby Joe, after being divorced for 10 years with a son Gary, met up with another and decides to remarry. (The knots were re-tied, the vows were re-said. Doesn’t it seem to you these pledges of eternal love are just orthodox rituals that marrying couples perform hastily to facilitate the marriage? Something to ponder over.) Suddenly, Gary seems to embrace yet another huge set of relatives.

Before long, Gary met up with all the relatives and soon fell in love with his step-mum’s niece, his half-cousin. Not wandering away from the main topic, these two individuals are not people who are so closely related to the point where marriage is out of the question. Nevertheless, just because of the fact that they some form of domestic relations, the ever-gossiping public eye might have a thing or two to batter their eyelids about this seemingly-normal-to-me-personally relationship.

Given this situation, when Gary announced to all his friends that he was getting married to his cousin, their reaction would be shocking. But once Gary highlights on the key word, ‘Half-Cousins’, every scene seems to churn out just fine.

The shocking reaction Gary’s friends all had was against the fact that Gary was intending to marry his cousin of the same surname, running the identical bloodline. It will be like:

“Oh my God, if Gary’s marrying his cousin, wouldn’t he be committing incest?!”

“Isn’t he worried about the factual issue on his offspring developing signs of abnormality?”

“Wouldn’t his uncle turn out to be his father-in-law? And his cousins his siblings-in-laws? It’s so confusing; I wouldn’t want to get myself into a knotty situation like this!

However, if you were one of the two cousins who is so much in love with the other, would you bother? Could you control your emotions towards the love you had been waiting for so long? Do you even dare of giving up this once-in-a-lifetime love? Fortunately, the ever-evolving world has taken on a fast track towards liberation, especially the Asians. So definitely, cousins wouldn’t be contenders for committing incest.

But then again, what if you really fell in love with your younger sister? Liberation sure does have a limit to it, but can you imagine a time where parents really do accept their kids getting married to each other? There wouldn’t be any in-laws, still the same set of relatives, sure does avoid an abundance of hassles. To sum it all up, it Rocks!

~Vampyres~

2005-10-03T00:35:00.000+08:00

Residing in the comforts of their eternal rest-place during the days of light, these nocturnal nobles emerge from their burial grounds upon sunset. Creatures of the night, they soar the night skies under the pale moonlight and would only return to their grounds at the break of dawn, fulfilling their desires in the presence of the stars. Vampyres. A fusion breed of man and bat, these hybrids from the past are tagged along with a certain brand of royalty from the era of the 1700’s. Dressed like noblemen and ladies, with the occasional don up of the dark cloak, spotting sharp fangs and emitting an air of elegance, they roam the vast lands of Earth in search of their needs.

In movies, vampyres are always portrayed to be invincible and superior amongst the rest, but only to be destroyed by the lead character either by exposing them to sunlight of driving a wooden stake blessed by the holy hands of God right through their heart.

Although vampyres are made out to be terrified of garlic, crosses, holy water and the bible [Facts gathered from my experience with ‘Castlevania’, an entertainment game I was obsessed with during my younger days], they are but minor. Taking humans as comparisons, holy water and garlic are just like boiling-hot water and a really foul stench to vampires. What about the holy Bible and the cross? Take them as porcupines or electric eels, an unpleasant sight to see, and will hurt when in contact with.

The topic we are covering now is the vampyre with a slight twist. He, who strums the strings of nothingness, picks and bends the threads of wind with zest and eagerness. Behold! The air-guitar playing vampyre. The hip and trendy devil that now threads on the streets of cosmopolitans, playing his instrument to the vibes of the now-sounds.

Notice the over-zealous expressions flashed over his pale face, it beckons now, the evolution of the vamp-kind, where memoirs of the past are re-written and the hands of time fumbled. In a dimension where time and space nears non-existence to him, the spokes-person for www.airguitar.vamp.com altogether with his company, now embarks on a revolutionary journey to unite all vampyres to groove…to the motions of authentic air-guitar playing.

~Paul and Mandy~

2005-09-09T21:31:00.000+08:00

They plunge into another world
Where gravity is minimal and mass is water

Hand in hand, they frolic amongst splashes
Judging from facial expressions, love forever after?
Tugging and pulling, following a piggyback ride
All they hear are shouts of joy and laughter

Exchanging gazes with one another
This lovely scene mellows down
The scent of refreshing love
Now fills the air around

The melodies of popish love songs
Now evolve into the sound of jazz
Body against body, skin to skin
The closeness they feel, far beyond kin

By the side of the pool, they pour their hearts out
Regrets on why they did not meet each other earlier?
Damn fate and protests to heaven with verbal shouts
But what is there to complain? Now Paul’s the one holding her dear

Purest Mandy, her beauty stupefies the mass
Demure lady with gestures that mesmerise
A gentle voice matches her fair outlook best
With an intellect that’s best described dory-wise

Tall lengthy Paul, as tall as my bedroom door
His vision up above sees so much more
Perhaps that’s the reason why he hawked down on Mandy
And devours her like little Joe ‘chomping’ on his candy

Oh Mandy, where have you been all this while?
Finding you was like looking for a slip amongst the files
But now that I have found you, and you had become mine
And soon to come, our loosened heartstrings will intertwine

And our hearts will combine…

Josh.

~Love… Great If It Was Genuine~

2005-09-06T01:42:00.000+08:00

"I will not get married till the age of 30 jus for you."

"Don’t worry, you’re going to see me forever."

"You don’t have to change, I had already accepted you for what you are."

Do women always break promises they make? Do they always make the correct statements depending on the current situations just to make the male gender happy? Or is it just that forgetfulness always gets to them in time to come? For example, the three statements listed above were factual. They were made by an ex-girlfriend of mine, whom our relationship lasted a mere six months. Although the time together was relatively short, the love between the two of us was overwhelming, steamy and fast progressing. After all, these statements still occasionally flash through my head.

I was twenty then, she twenty-three. It was refreshing to be able to be with an older woman whom you loved, and loved you back. Even though I was the youthful, hot-blooded male that needed much attention and love from my girlfriend, she was able to cater to my every need, even though she was the matured and mellowed-down kind of woman with an occasional stint of childish relapse.

Perhaps the relapses were to catch my attention? No way…more like she was trying to get her way in situations. The relationship proved itself to be very fast progressing. And six months after we got together, the relationship ended. She wanted out. For certain reasons which I did not understand at that point of my life. And I really felt like dying. Because I did not understand anything at all!

It happened more than two years ago, back in the earlier portion of 2003. Now, when I think back, I realised a lot of my then-shortcomings. I was really handling my past relationship problems with a tag of immaturity. A lot of question marks that once materialised above my head now seem to vanish almost naturally. Questions like: "Why did she do it?" And: "How come it had to end this way?" Now, it would be like: "Oh I see…"

Reasons that were deemed excuses now fitted the bill of actually being logical reasons. And after much thinking, I feel kind of stupid. Actually, It is a feeling brought about by my previous actions to rekindle whatever love there was left. I should have wised up, pick whatever’s left, and move on. But at that point of time, I could not. It was the greatest love I ever felt for someone in my entire life. Even till now.

As quoted from the movie, ‘Moulin Rouge’:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"

Thank you Lord, for allowing me to learn the greatest thing, most immensely in this relationship. If given a chance, I would turn back the hands of time and meticulously work my way up to a perfect relationship. But that is not to be. For the seemly perfect woman in my life is now happily married. She sworn to break the vows of celibacy with the chosen one, which happens to be someone else. Thinking about it right now, the sadness had just begun to set in, although now it is still in the form of pity.

Fret I shall not! For every person in this world will eventually get what deserve. And I know I deserve better than before. This is not some self-deceiving stint, but I know deep down I will experience the learning of the greatest thing again. In the near future, I hope. Be like me everybody! Don’t stick yourself to the past, where you somewhat know that history wouldn’t be walking towards the future. Wise up, lift yourself up and move on. Wake up every other day, inhale the essence of life and live the day to its fullest. After all, one of the greatest love you would ever get is from yourself. Not telling you to log on to www.BeANarcissist.com [If this web site really existed], but…you get what I am driving at.

An article entitled: ‘Let go, Wise up and Just Walk Out’, I read from the Singapore TNP dated 28 August 2005, Miss Janice Wong was writing: "Have the courage to admit that your man does not love you. As much as singlehood sucks, being with an unloving man is worse." I totally agree with the statement above. And this applies to men too. She was explaining that girls would rather be in superficial, unfulfilling, even damaging relationships than face up to the fact that they are not Fiona Xie. An amusing way of expressing women’s feelings towards a relationship.

Men too cling onto bad relationships, but for slightly different reasons. We too would be in stagnant, unloving relationships, for the fact that there will always be someone by his side. Whenever setbacks occur, he would have a pillar to fall onto. There would also be someone for you to love, and have your feelings reciprocated. The feeling of being loved by someone, the fact of being wanted by someone.

Also, not forgetting the fact that there will always be that someone to have sex with. You bloody scallywag.

Not every living male creature is like this. At least not me. I am single, I am living life by the daily rise and set of the sun, and most importantly, I am happy. I have family and friends for me to shower my care on. And these feelings will reciprocate too, though in a different yet equally fulfilling way. So clear your heart and soul of all love-generated interference. If you at any point of time feel that he or she does not love you anymore, muster up the courage to walk out of it. To love and be loved in return, that is the greatest thing. If this is not happening in your relationship, then what is the point of carrying on? It’s not as if you’re going to get a long service award for maintaining a five-year relationship.

Snap out of it. Move on. Be a man. Be the man.

~Fear the End~

2005-09-04T04:15:00.000+08:00

Dark clouds drift in over
The ground of our unholy foes
Scene of maggot-infested bodies
Stricken by epidemic woes

The scent of disease and blood
It’s blooming fragrance last
As to the fruits and flowers did
To the gardens of the past

Tears from above trickle down the faces of God
Seemingly relieving the land of grief and pain
But who would have thought? As the rain never did stopped
Our prayers of help had been in vain

Although the rain washes away
All evident stains of sin
It causes us much more than we could pay
The evil could only grin

A faux pas of the humans
To the celestial beings of above?
Surely they will understand and forgive
Us, humans they ever-dearly love

I am afraid, I am now full of fear
I have a constant feeling that evil lurks near
When fear is at work, the glow of your courage simmers
The once brave-hearted warrior now seems under a curse

Fear it builds upon spaces
Beyond the human's knowledge level
Usually it stares at the neck
Reverse side of Adam’s apple.

My senses flutter, I break out in cold sweat
The mind only registers fear, but not how to overcome it
Footsteps of one now sound double
When stung by its deadly fangs, I break into a surly fit

And the mind will be at equilibrium
When fear materialises into factual truth…

Josh.

~Silly Humans~

2005-09-03T17:02:00.000+08:00

The silly things humans do to aggravate themselves when they're out of love amuse me.

Why is it that when your best friend is out of love, he or she spends a huge amount of time cooping him or herself up in her room, listening to draggy love songs and getting him or herself overly-involved in classically tragic movies[The likes of 'Romeo And Juliet' and 'Moulin Rouge']?

Was it a bug that was tagged within us during the mass production of humans? Or was it a malfunction that occurred along the lines of our forefathers to us? But as the saying goes:

~Humans can never be perfect~

Yes, you may be a perfectionist, pursuing for nothing but the best in each and every little thing you do. But while you are meticulously engineering your path to perfection in certain aspects of life, the minor factors that surround your life are left stagnant.

And you know what? You can't help it, this is a... a human virus, a bug which men of various generations could not unravel. It's something in us that I presume, will strap us humans down for many years to come.

Back to what I was saying about sad people. Are they abusing themselves to seek sympathy from within? Or are they relishing the happy and sweet moments from the 'seemly recent' past? Thinking back, whenever I suffered a setback from the hurting clutches of love, I would turn myself into the sounds of metal. [The likes of Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir and Children Of Bodom enrage my malice from within and effectively releasing my feelings all at once.]Perhaps there's a bug within me too, just that I don't turn myself to the sounds of sorrow-hood, but to the growls of frustrations within Metal. It sets me free.

To people who turn to love ballads while being out of love, they feel the passion and love within the song at its best. No matter what the lyrics of the song are, as long it is a love song, it can be related to any scene of the past relationship...and it will hurt. Badly. Painfully.

You know it will hurt, but still you are bent on repeating "Michael Bolton's 'How Am I Supposed To Live Without You'" over and over again, each time tearing when Michael sings the chorus with much passion. And each time you tear, an overwhelming feeling overcomes your whole and believe me... You somewhat like that feeling. That feeling of being heart-broken, out of love and romantically dejected.

I believe that the role of the song was to actually enhance the sadness in you, so that you'll start wailing and all, to actually steep your degree of sadness. Once it has been justified, you'll feel like you are the worst person that could be alive right this moment, and that makes you one of a kind. And who wouldn't want to be there? Where you feel that almost everyone is obliged to shower you with sympathy love and warmth.

And once again, this makes you feel loved. Not just by your previous partner, but by everybody in the entire world!

~First Dates~

2005-08-27T11:46:00.000+08:00

Have you had the jitters when you're off for your first date? With this really cute girl you met a couple of weeks ago? And that the both of you haven't been speaking to one another much? Just an abundance of SMSes here and there... damn technology, making the process of dating a little less sincere. Or is it just me?

The first time I viewed her face under the bright lights of the environment,it turned out to be different from the images that linger in my mind. These 2 images can't be compared, as they both portray different sides of her.

In my mind, it was as such...

She's a childcare teacher, having to take care of kids in the day, sometimes giving tuition in the evening. After which, she carries on with her night by hanging around with her friends and playing pool. On the contrary, in her free time she reads books from the likes of Harry Potter and her favourite movie is Moulin Rouge. Listens to everything [or so she claims], has a knack for proclaiming herself The Queen. [Somewhat familiar...]

After our first date, the thoughts in mind started to distort...

No doubt the facts stated above are all still true, its something about her character. In short, confidently adorable, spitefully dory and possesses a vocal projection that somewhat reminds me of a blitzkrieg, rapid and deadly. I was stunned. Stunned as like getting caught by my folks with my left hand in my pants and the right on that cute little mouse of my beloved computer.

And the strange portion of the date was, I was 'jammed' not only once or twice, but a couple of times...GDI!!! But after speaking to my 'sister-in-law'[Grace Chiang, you rock man~] about it,i kind of had my mind freed from certain knots caused by a bout of nervousness, and the fact that I had just stepped out of a terrible relationship.

Yes, I have had feedback that how could a person of my character could end up in such a fix? They know I am the sort that would lock the door before laying my hands on that mouse...

ARGH!!!!!!! Be myself! I have to, just stick to being the old me...full of nonsense, full of passing motions, and full of the incorrect confidence!

~Image of Sin~

2005-08-22T23:24:00.000+08:00

An air of suspense lurks within...

Nature now portrays an image of sin...

~The Question Of Choice And Consequence~

2005-08-22T02:10:00.000+08:00

What would you do when someone strikes you with a knife and you only have your palm to defend yourself? Wounds and blood are inevitable, hence it narrows down to another question.

The question of choice...

Would it be the inner palm where the lines of your fate are engraved? Or would be the outer hand, where you risk hurting the veins and bones visible to the naked eye? Either or, both sides will definitely hurt. But which will hurt more? Which side do you favour protection to the other? Ands what are the consequences if either of the sides get hurt? But most importantly, can you handle the consequences?

No doubt it was a moment of folly/thrill/laziness when I took the dark, narrow path in order to reach home earlier. The difference of taking the safe detour to walking the dim-litted path was about 10 minutes odd. It would be fine if I were to reach home safely. That would earn me an extra 10 minutes to wash up or to catch on with my sleep. But if I were to have met up with a robber, the consequences will be drastic as compared to the former.

Result 01 - I choose the deserted path, get through it safely, get 10 minutes worth of extra time. Now it drives down to another Y-junction. Would I want to keep it mum? And occasionally take the passageway again? Or would I want to boast my feat to all my friends? And let them know how brave I was to have taken the path alone? Perhaps, after telling all my friends, someone might have overheard it and he choose to stay in stealth along the pathway one fine evening I decide to take the pathway again. Do revert to the first paragraph to see one of the possible results.

Result 02 - I analyse the end-results of taking the passageway. The first paragraph would be an ideal one. Now, I weigh the gains of the two ways. 10 minutes of extra time against a slightly lengthy but safe walk home. Now I weigh the cons of the same two pathways. Dark and narrow path, having a higher risk of being robbed or even injured along the journey. Or a brightly litted pathway, having to walk a little longer and perspire a little more. And having that 10 minutes less. Guess I would still choose the safe route.

Now, lets talk about result 01 crossing over to result 02. I could choose to keep mum about it, and pray that no one will ever find out. All will be fine, until I realise that someone saw me taking that path. The secret is now being revealed. And I will risk being caught in the act.

I could take the path once without being caught, then after having thought about it, will never stray back wayward. I would have then crossed over to result 02. It is good, but deep down inside, it remains a fact that I have taken the path before.

Blood stains can be washed off by mere ale, but stains that are in the mind will always be there, no matter how much you try to clean it off. Perhaps after a while, you would take little notice of it already, but the fact is, it is there for keeps.

I have a friend whom I have known in the army for about 2 years now. Last week, he went clubbing with some of my colleagues and got to befriend a girl. Under the influence of alcohol, with the supporting orchestra of music and ambience, they danced, hugged and even kissed. Then came the time where the night would end.

Now came the moment of Choice.

Would he go home on his own, having enjoyed his time at the club and left it that way? Or would he attempt to bring her back to his place and take the plunge? Guess what? He chose the latter. What's worse that they did it not once, not twice, not even three times! He was f#%king her over and over and over again, throughout the whole week! All this would seem fine if he was single...

The first time I went out with him was the first time I met his girlfriend, and ever since, we would always hang out together. It came to a point that I was as close to her as compared to me being close to my friend. I liked their presence, as a couple and as an individual. They have been together for about 6 years now, and I have always hailed them as the model couple.

Along came the moment of Choice. And Consequence.

Refer back to the first paragraph where I have mentioned about having flesh on both sides of the hand.

01 - I keep it mum, and hopes it will be his last scandal. And bury all truth of it from the faces of the Earth.

02 - I tell her, and save her from more hurt, and result in their breakup. Given her character, I will not rule out the possibility of her commiting suicide.I do not want her to end up having the same faith as Therasia, even though she's fictional. The position I am in may seem a common fix, but when you are wedged in between, it is confusing. What should I do...

~Therasia ~

2005-08-15T19:00:00.000+08:00

Mesmerising beauty she once had
Amongst the rich she rightfully dwells
Now her scarred look draws cries of despair
Muffled cries of helplessness
She burrows into her lair

She bore emerald-like eyes
Against the pales of perfect skin
Lips that seemly whisper sweet nothings
A gaze that drowns men in the depths of sin

Innocuous Therasia…
Once religious Pantheist, now her faith withers by the day

That faithful night
The stale air of evil lingers
She walks amongst royalty
To the comforts of luxury

A voracious beast assaults alone
Leaving none but her alive
Violates, batters, then set her to
Lay on a bed of knives

With an impetuous touch
Of his wielding weapon
Across her body and soul
He ends her reign…

Innocuous Therasia…
Once religious Pantheist, now her faith withers by the hour

Eternal cuts she bore
So deep and well refined
Dripping blood which
Flowing patterns hint signs

Of once, fraudulent acts of cruelty
Bestow upon her flesh
Her wounds in swathe
To substratum stains of blood

Mesmerising beauty she once had
In her boudoir she held secrets of none alive tells
Now her imperfect look draws stares of disgust
Silenced shouts of sufferings, within her residing cell
Of living hell…

Moonlit night…

The will to live withers away
Fairy-tale turned nightmare
The focus of her life path strays
She sat around the fireplace and stare

Into space her mind contemplates
About the cruel fact to live
Disfigured permanency
She chose the path that led off the cliff…

Josh.

~Introductory Encounters~

2005-08-14T13:10:00.000+08:00

When faced with a situation whereby you're interested to befriend this lady, how would you go around it? Would it be like in the movies, where the conversation goes like:

'Hey, can I get you a drink? You're really cute and I really want work something out.'

Or would it be the 'authentic' Singaporean flavoured:

'Chio eh, ho seh bo? Ai gia steady my?'

And how would you reply to this lady if she questions in return :

'Why do you want to know me?'

'Er...er...'

A thousand excuses start churning out from that slow-processing mind of mine, 'Reasons' like:

1. Wanting to widen my circle of friends
2. Had a feeling of being able to click even though there wasn't even a conversation before
3. Feel that she is one of the very few that I can relate to

Everything starts cramping up the head, everything but the truth. So when I tell her I just want to widen my circles, she starts bombarding me with questions like:

1. Why me? Am I the only lady around?
2. Don't you find that too lame a reason?

Now I am Stumped. Okay now, should I tell her the truth? That I really find her cute, witty and loves the way she carries herself? I can't be blamed for being a Capricorn and Aquarius stuck in between, having the tendency of falling in love at first sight, right? Truth is, I am but a timid Asian boy...

Recently, I was invited to a birthday bash. It was the 21st birthday of my colleague's and I had no excuse not to go. It was the standard norm of parties, sitting around, enjoying the company of friends, music, booze and the laid-back ambience of a fine Saturday night.

And just like the movies, she makes a grand entrance, looking out of place, just like a lady don up in her evening gown, paired up with styled hair and exquisite assessories making an appearance at the local coffee shop down a HDB block. She was like the Queen of the masses. I was blown away...

Darn she's so fine~looking~!@ As I caught sight of her walking in, the image starts to slow down. From the turning of heads, to me looking at her being escorted into the party by her friends. With smiles and laughter surrounding the group, she was ushered up the stairs, with my head moving in sync with her every ascend of the steps. I was so engrossed I swore I almost fell off the chair.

After which, the queen came down in peasant-clothing and joined the party of booze and conversations. It's a little draggy here, so I'll keep it real short.

We played games. In a group. Big Fish, Small Fish. Got her drunk. She vomitted. Assisted her in doing so. Felt bad. Off she went to bed. Came down again. To vomit. Assisted her. Again. Off she went to bed. Never came down. Lay on the mattress. Staring at the window. The window of the top room.Wondering how is she doing. Told myself it was an infatuation. Tried to sleep it off. Woke up. Cleared up the mess. Woke the guys up. Went up the room. Wanted to wake the guys up. Caught sight of her. Sleeping soundly.Like a child. Smiles and gazes upon.Fell into the depths of love.Snaps out of it. Wakes them up. Twice. Went down. And off. To home. To sleep....

When I woke up, I realised that she has not once left my mind. Amazing, considering I have only met her once. Self-hurled verbal abuses towards the walls of my room began when I realised I had not been able to obtain her contact. A stint of melancholia got to me, having various hits and misses of my entire 22 yrs on Earth revolving in my already twirling mind.

That stint lasted me about 15 minutes, before the image of her sleeping soundly like a harmless kid materialised in my head...a silly grin then hung occasionally throughout the evening...

~The Actress, My Wife~

2005-02-18T23:11:00.000+08:00

Good morning Crystal, start off a bright new day
Open your eyes, get up from the bed you lay
Go and wash up, I'll make breakfast for you
Start dolling up, or we're gonna be real late

The sun's shining on your face
Your dressing's full of satin and lace
Reflecting that lovely, vibrant look
The initial factor that got me hooked
On to you…

Remember your lines, rehearse yours steps
It's your biggest day to date
Freshen your make-up, tighten your corset
Portray your best and deem your fate

An actress you would have been
Busy with rehearsals and recordings
Time spent together was but a mere fraction
Of your seemingly never-ending schedule

You may be the greatest actress on stage
Wowing the audience with your skills
But in my embrace, you would always be that little kid
Caressing the essence of love, absorbing it of its all

Now you’re willing to quit the job
To experience the grand nuptials with me
Believe me, I am on top of the world
Only till now, my heart’s set free

You are my queen, my everything
Only for you, my church bells sing

Josh.

~Waterfront~

2005-02-16T02:18:00.000+08:00

The zephyr gentles her mood
Soft wisp hair brushes her skin
Waves crawl up to her feet
Hitting her with zest yet discreet

The sand prickles as she downs vodka
The swing gets on with chilling out
The sun sets with light drawing away
And when the moon shines, the stars will stray

Night is youthful with song
And vibes in sync with her
Sea breezes carry memoirs of the past
Moments of her love in her embrace dear

Alongside the trees, she laid on the sand
Gazing at the moon, hung up high in the night skies
Memories of joy and pain, flowed through her head
Her heart misses someone, only for him she cries

Heart aches for someone across
Stretch of sea that separates
Not knowing whether to feel depressed or lost
Hoping the day they'll meet up will come fast

Moments of the night
She lay awake on the bed
Reminiscing every single word
And phrase he said

Some of them gather remorse
Most just hurt without a logical cause

Forced herself to sleep, she couldn't
Missed him so much, she shouldn't
Scenes of the past
Visualised in her mind

Silent suffering's all she embraces
She selfishly sigh…

Josh.

~A La Liqueur~

2005-02-14T05:31:00.000+08:00

A La Liqueur
Bundle of assorted wine
Eat or drink them
With love, anything seems fine

Indulge in wine, my love
For wine makes you forget
This practical and merciless world
It frees you of burdens
And enables you to follow your heart

Indulge in wine, my darling
For it is imaginatively powerful
So strong it hurts the mind
Two drastically different people
Wanting to be together will then work out?

A long night's worth
Is but a long night's worth
But to what extend it's worth
Would be determined by the reader's love

An effort made
Is but an effort made
But to what lengths it's made
The reader is left to grade

A La Liqueur
Bottles of assorted wine
Drink, sip, gulp or gargle
With love, everything seems fine

Indulge in wine, my lady
For wine warms your body
And calms your tensing nerves
It relaxes your mind, body and soul
Rejuvenates your being up many-a-fold

Josh.

~On My Own~

2005-02-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

The world can pull you right down
It's up to you to get back up
Not with the help of others
But with those two feet of yours

When you are living on your own
Times where you could only sit and frown
It is possible to accept a helping hand
Eventually, still you have to plod your own land

The higher you climb, the harder you fall
Pain and hate will mark, the faces of all
What would you do, at this point of time
Where lives can be lost, for the sake of a dime

To have spiritual support
Is fine but self-deceiving
For He only appears visually within
The fate of yours will still do its own bidding

The higher you rise, the harder you fall
Anxiety will mark, the faces of all
What could you do, at this point of time
Where love is discarded, for the sake of a dime

God is Fair, don't you dare,
Deny the fate of yours.
You win some you lose some,
Don't brood over loss.

I'm on my own

Josh.

~Before You Leave~

2005-02-10T22:18:00.000+08:00

A couple more hours, before you leave the country,
My mind’s a state of confusion.
I fear this stint of life without you around,
As you had become to me an addiction.

Ever pining for you to be by my side,
I’m already dreading the fact that you’re leaving me.
Knowing it’s just for a couple of days,
But what ever man! I’m being unreasonable, can’t you see?!

You’re the first thing that pops into my head in the morning,
And the last thing that remains with me when I fall asleep.
So no matter the quarrels we had, or disputes we leave unsettled,
Just want to let you know you’re mine, and mine only for keeps.

Josh.

~You~

2005-02-08T21:52:00.000+08:00

Questioning my life determined to spend it with you.
Rest assured my love for you is true.
My singlehood is through, the moment I met you.
Without you, I wouldn’t know what to do.

You are an artist, you paint my night sky with stars.
Lightening up my once, dark dampened skies.
You are like the rain, ever pouring raindrops down.
Showering me with love and care, you sweet little thing.

Endless poems I wrote, praises of my devotion to you.
No need to rack my brains, for the words of my works.
The words ever flowing just like my feelings for you.
You made my life meaningful, hope I made yours too.

Never wanting you to leave, it’s a selfish thought of mine.
Being around me twenty-four seven suits me just fine.
You are my everything, the amber of your love burns within me.
No need to maintain this bout of feelings, it flows naturally…

Josh.

~A Difficult Lady~

2005-02-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

It’s been a while since I’ve stopped writing words of love,
For my heart went dead, my works I felt no one deserved.
Till that faithful day you appeared along my walk of life,
My heart filled up with warmth and love, of once I deprived.

Mere weeks we have realised our fond for each other,
Our feelings are fresh, like a newborn from its mother.
Though we are stumped with obstacles at the initial stage,
As long as we stay true, our feelings will see us through the next page.

Our characters are so similar, yet so differently portrayed,
Opposites attract?
Well, it seems to me for each other we are made.

Coming months now, my love for you had been professed,
Till now, the feelings remain, not one bit less.
Day by day, the feelings are getting stronger,
As the thread of love within my soul, gets stretched longer and longer.

Sometimes, so helpless I feel when I’m out with you,
But there’s nothing I can do, cause I’m falling deeper…
Deeper in love with you….

Josh.

~Ling~

2005-02-04T23:04:00.000+08:00

What you see on the surface may not always seem to be,
The pain and anguish lies within, none is able to see.
I cried foul so many times in this relationship,
Only to realise in this love gamble, I ran out of chips.

Although now, we are of no relation to each other,
The things you do would still hurt me, one way or another.
I cannot blame you for hurting me, I know,
Just that I cannot control myself, I love you so.

Was it necessary for you to cut off all contacts with me?
Or is it just a way to forget me, to able to set yourself free?
Since the last day I saw you, you have never left my mind at all,
Just like the memories in me, and that picture of yours hanging on my bedroom wall.

The only way I could get into contact with you is through words,
And hopefully these will express my painful and deepest secrets.
When you told me you got back with him and had your fate sealed,
I was filled with jealousy but yet a little happy for you.

The sleepless nights I have spent clubbing or rolling in bed,
The things you did and said flooded my entire head.
I know we have a lot of differences, but I can’t control myself from saying no,
Cause now that I found you, how can I let you go?

I miss your love, your hugs, your kisses, times when we fornicate our love,
If I had another chance, I’ll make sure you will get more than what you deserve.
I miss your whispers of gentle love, that demure, loving side of yours,
I really hope you consider the love of ours, and not make decisions by force.

At first, I was surprised and taken aback by your strong will and determination,
After you left, I regretted because I realised your love was so pure and unconditioned.
Everything in life seems to be against us being together,
But if I were to leave now, my heart would be in pieces for forever.

I am grateful you still call me and we could talk for three long hours,
I’m very glad we still attract each other, like the bees to the flowers.
I was on top of the world when you said you still love me ling,
And I replied to you from the bottom of my heart, I love you too, darling.

I realise we always give out ambiguous signals to each other, thus causing confusions,
The both of us are too strong headed at things we excel at, in this case, love relations.
But I am ever willing to give out everything jus for the sake of my love life,
Cause I know if I don’t salvage this love of mine, I’ll regret for my whole life….

Josh.

~In Love with A Crazy Woman~

2005-02-02T21:13:00.000+08:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
But a day without you would make me ponder,
"How was your day? Did you miss me?"
Or will it be like; "Leave me alone and just... let me be."

My thoughts of you are running wild,
If only I could call you and cry foul.
That why are you not with me today,
Resting in my arms you charmingly lay.

It was selfish of me to do things my way,
But all I hope was your heart will stay, not stray.
A woman is hard to please, moreover a crazy one,
But only with you would I consider my love line done.

Being in a love triangle is real bloody shit,
Not to mention one with four corners how about it?
The pain of deceiving one and missing the other,
Nothing is of use, we could only silently suffer.

Almost impossible to live together with you,
I would rather stay single, spending time missing you.
When will be the day we could legally be together?
I am not pinning great hopes but better hope than never.

Oh how the days seem to fly by so fast?
When happy thoughts of you always seem to last.
I guess it's true when they say happy moments do fly by quickly,
But a pity I could only miss you, perhaps I am not that lucky.

A mere month we have realised our fond for each other,
Our love is fresh, like a newborn from its mother.
I am still unable to share my everything with you,
But only time will tell whether my love for you is true.

Not man enough to match your craziness,
Nor able to satisfy your enormous thirst.
But I believe in heart over mind,
That I love you, our hearts will bind.

I may not seem jealous when you speak of other men,
But deep down inside, the pain you cause is hard to mend.
Who is to blame? Was everything a shame??
This may sound lame, but I love you all the same......

Josh.

~Act VII: Romance~

2005-01-15T03:49:00.000+08:00

[Thoughts of Sebastian and Melissa]
Not confined to four walls,
Nor compacted to the core.
Yet so vast as the sky,
So blue, I could almost fly.
Till the shores we touch,
Waves bring sweet memoirs.
A grain of sand, a piece of me,
A stretch of beach, for you to set free.

Cold winds blew, across barren lands,
With no passion, no vest.
Serenity overcomes dull,
Feelings flow like rivers,
Till waters stay still,
That shall be the dam of love.
A bit of you, a bit of me,
Stars brighten for all to see.

By your side, It's so wonderful to be by your side,
By your side, no time or tide.
By your side, so fortunate to have you by my side,
By your side, our love could withstand any tide.

Lies and truth, works of love,
Passion to live, hearts deserved.
The sun sets, for all we may dream,
The event marks a new beginning.
My mind's a whirl, yours a twist,
Minds confused not put at ease.
Journey destined, time will show,
Strings of the heart entangle, for the romance
Of the Dark...

Melissa - [Main Character]
Living life the way it should be,
Open hearts, set emotions free.
Like twin doves, twice as strong the love,
Though vast apart, minds joined across the Earth.

Josh.

~Act VI: Symbolic Ensemble~

2005-01-13T03:34:00.000+08:00

[All said by Sebastian]
I witness the sunset alone
How magnificent it shown
Death of light marks the birth
Of the moon, with its permanent frown

Moon, it shines out bright
Overlord of the night sky
A freak it outstands from sight
She could only silently cry

Revolting fear builds within me
Grand pain awaits thee...

For come what may, expect the unexpected
Believe the unbelievable
For it is She who awakens
The moon now shines full of her

Look into my eyes, come into my dream
It's a world of endless fantasy
Listen to your heart, weaving vicious thoughts
Struggling with life, in the way wars shouldn't be fought...

Revolting fear builds within me,
Grand pain awaits thee...
Fallen angels they pay the fee
Cause excruciating pain for all to see...

The sun and moon bore signs
Of a lady who barely can survive
Sunken teeth into the neck of hers
Her seemly life suddenly revives...

Symbolic Ensemble...

Josh.

~Act V – Relapse~

2005-01-11T01:15:00.000+08:00

[All said by Melissa]
Hear my pain, the silent screams
Cracking sounds of breaking limbs
Lines of arteries clogging up
Everlasting pain, seemly sharp

This pain in my heart, it’s killing me
Siphon your life to me, let me relive your memories

Slit my throat, bring about my misery
Rip my veins out, for all to see
Hurry! Drive the stake within me
Into my lifeless heart
Screams of helplessness will then end
A bout of unresolved bad blood

This pain in my heart, it’s killing me
Siphon your life to me, let me relive your memories

I feel the blitzkrieg
Attempt to caress the zephyr
Of the set it portrays
Enraged fiery blazes

Till sharp edges turn blunt
Till the ends of time
How much more to serenity?
When the rivers run dry
And spirits linger on
How much more to serenity within?

Josh.

~Act IV - Undead~

2005-01-09T02:36:00.000+08:00

Messa - [Evil Messenger]
Being pushed to the edge, death halts to fetch
Can't decide the way she dies
Try to take control, instead she loses his soul
She's no more a living dead

So now! Getting her deserts, she's on her way to hell
Facing the storms alone
The phantom is here, builds up her fear
She's losing everything she's got.....

Sebastian - [Male Lead]
What you see is what you visualise in reality
Break the rules and let your dreams run astray

Melissa - [Main Character]
He thinks i'm a fool, (his) predictions not true
Never did he knew that I'm still awake
I'll make him regret, till he's fumming mad
I'll drive him to his unholy grave

I am the Undead... Thou shall not fret...

Messa - [Evil Messenger]
What is happening, life and death not linked?
Melissa's supposed to be dead
This is not real, her coffin remaines unsealed
She is refusing her fate.

Her mystery remains unknown
spook rattles down to the bone
She is out for revenge!
The phantom is here, builds up my fear
She's taking everything I've got.....Arghhhh!!!!!!!

Sebastian - [Male Lead]
Drain his blood and enjoy his strength
But remember!
Do not let him have your blood
For he will also be undead...

Melissa - [Main Character]
I understand your joy now, Sebastian
Of being the Undead
I have misunderstood your intentions
My true mate....

Josh.

~Act III: A Vision~

2005-01-07T03:32:00.000+08:00

[All said by Sebastian]
Castle...Tower...Window...Girl...
Princess...Leapt out...Fallen...Die
Kingdom...Crumble...Country...Damned
People...Mourning...Is a sign...

A bicentennial occurrence
Chosen kingdom in chaos
Tragedy surfaces imminently
None could resist the evil force

A ruler of vast imbecility
Thrown into an imbroglio
Palace torn down and blown into debris
An event mentioned in the ancient folio

Nothing escapes the wrath
Of the endless night
Where dreams and nightmares
Do materialise outright

Families and friends torn apart
Blood and bones are but what left
For their descendants, if any to witness
Reminisce their origins, their bloodlines and deaths

Why do I see all this in my mind?
Is all this about to happen?
Or has it already been termed history?
Why…

Josh.

~Act II: Sold Your Soul,(Sebastian)~

2005-01-05T02:06:00.000+08:00

[All said by Melissa]
Take a walk down the lane of destiny
Looking for your long lost sanity
Can't believe what those warriors did to you
Been abused on the bloodshed battlefield

Within the darkness, living like a shadow
Forgiven but not forgotten, taking each step slow
Seek your sorrows from the Dark one
He's bound to shower you grieve, my son

Is tragedy the only answer to your doubts?
Or an alternate reason lies beyond my eyes...

Remember the days where stalkers used to hunt you down
You try so hard, just to get yourself out
What did those savages did to you
Tortured you under the scorching battlefield?

Is tragedy the only answer to your doubts?
I believe you had your reasons to do so
Sell your soul...

Torn and battered, your life carried on
Haunting you forever till the lights of dawn
Reckon the curtains (had) already fall
Show's ended, (an) empty theatre hall

In reality, death was taking it's toll
But you evaded fate, because you sold
Your soul...

Josh.

~Act I: Unholy War~

2005-01-03T03:22:00.000+08:00

John Twelve - [Father of Livileon Church]
The clock strikes three, the howling winds
The moonlit night, expects a fright
The curtains fall, marks the death of all
The Goths are coming, the church bells mourning

Melissa and Sebastian - [Main Characters]
People crying, people dying
People left out there, to meet their ends
We will go now, to prevent their sorrows
We will fight for our people to our deaths

Melissa - [Main Character]
Should have seen it coming, prevent us from dying.
Never did we thought it come so soon.
Sebastian, where are you going?
Don't leave me, I am afraid

Now i don't see you, where did you go?
The demons are coming from everywhere
I see you in their clutches, couldn't do a thing
I'm a failure, I'm so utterly useless

The men are dying, our battle's losing
The kingdom’s crumbling
If you die, take my life away with you
Cause life has no more meaning for me...

Where are you Sebastian?
I am lost without your presence
Where did you go Sebastian?
I am but frail...

Josh.

2005-01-01T04:15:00.000+08:00

Pre-Dammation~Cradle of Filth!